A Sudden Sickness Is Seeping Into My Soul
by AvissAbyss
Summary: A collection of sad scribbles that I'm writing to let off steam and stay sane. I'm sure they'll get very weird.


How could I let this happen? How could I not see the trouble she was in? There's no way that she gave anyone any hints to her situation. No, no. It's her own fault. Not mine. Fuck her.

No, of course I don't mean that. Fuck, this is awful. I'm so sorry. I still love you. None of this is your fault. It's not mine, either. It was him. He did it. I'm going to fucking kill him. How dare he do this to her? To him, too? To me?

I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill him, either. Now . . . I want to help him. Isn't that fucked up? I want to save and protect this man who killed my friends. Who killed the only person that really adored me. I don't understand me. Just what kind of guy am I that I would do this to myself? Disgusting. I should kill you.

I can't kill myself either. I tried. A lot. But I can't. Maybe I'm immortal? I'm invincible, forced to live in a world where I've messed up and let everyone down. Forced to look at my mistakes over and over and over again, until my eyes bleed and my body decays to leave only a soul of a stripped person. Fuck, I'm not even a person. I'm just a fleshsack full of anger and self-pity. Ugh, and that's wrong. I'm not supposed to pity myself, especially since all of that is a possibility what with this fucked up timeline business. Mostly, though, I just hate myself.

I hate everything.

I love everything.

I'm indifferent to everything.

I touch him a lot. I touch him more than I should. Our relationship is difficult. It hurts. But I feel that I must like it in order to keep it going. He doesn't talk to me much. He rarely answers me. He hasn't in at least a week. He told me what we were, I agreed on it, when it first happened. I have no right to be upset with him, right? I care about him more than he cares about me. He's probably with someone else anyway. I wonder what quadrant?

But I don't like thinking about that. I don't want to think about it. Get out of my head, stay out, hide, and never come back up. This vomit of my mind is something I'm used to, but I can't handle it right now. I'm not who I used to be. I'm ruined. He ruined me. No, I ruined me. God, she's still dead. He killed her!

I think about her a lot right now. Especially today. I can still see her cute, happy face when I close my eyes. Hell, even when my eyes are open. She's always there, staring, smiling. Then it turns grotesque, and her olive blood is pouring from her head, her nose, her mouth, part of her face smashed in, club just lying next to her fallen and broken body. Why?

I don't care why. Leave me alone. I don't want to think anymore. Just let me hurt. It's what I want now.

Ask and ye shall receive. All I feel is pain. He's fucking her. The girl I was always in love with. I hate admitting that when poor Nepeta is dead, and she really loved me and sometimes I would feel the same but it never felt right. I'm sorry. But everything is useless now. I'm unlovable, unless it's someone that I don't love back. Unlucky, unwanted, uncaring. She doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. They don't even love each other. How could they betray me like that?

Dad. Lusus. Parent. Did he love me? Or was that something I made believe about? He cared for me, provided me with food and a home. But is that love? What is love? Maybe he was just trying to butter me up so that I'd let my guard down and he could kill me, too. But that's okay. I like pretending that things are better than what they are. Give me a bad situation, and I'll trick myself into thinking that everything is wonderful.

Nothing is wonderful. I fucking hate everything!

Oh God. He's killing her. We arrived too late. He's gonna kill her. There's so much blood. How is he not dead? Let go of her, you grade A piece of fucknut! I'll fucking kill you!

Maybe I'll kill her? She did hurt me, after all. Maybe I can save him again.

No, no, no! He's going down! I'm tired of the shooshing and papping and hugging and getting nothing in return! Fuck you!

Killed her. Killing her. Killed him. Killed all of them. Might as well have. Killed me.

Kill me.


End file.
